Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
