Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
