Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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