Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
