So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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