Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
