I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
