Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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