maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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