did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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