She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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