Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
