he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
