I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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