She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
