she takes plan B like it's going out of style
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
