batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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