I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
