so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
