this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Randomize
