I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
