He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
