my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
