how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
