well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Randomize
