They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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