I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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