Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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