A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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