I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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