just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
