dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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