I heard we made out
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
