I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
