if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
