that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
