Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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