I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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