I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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