I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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