I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
