My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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