The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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