Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
