Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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