shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize