god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
