My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
