haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
