Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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