I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
